Two quick rants. I would write more, but I am sweating and dying in the computer lab. And I am in the computer lab because my computer died and I cannot get on the Internet anymore. Goddamnit.....you all know how much I love technology in the first place, especially when it doesn't work correctly.
Today, there were religious folk passing out New Testaments. Most people only got asked once or twice for one. I got asked 9 times. 9 fucking times. Either they can see that I am destined for the fiery depths of Hell or they think I am a possible convert. One of the two. Anyways, I was getting irritated by the 9th one. Ugh. Damn preachy and righteous folk trying to push their religion on me. Piss off.
I am horribly lazy and I know it. But between a lot of homework and classes, I haven't had time to do shit.
Anyways, this weekend, I went to Katie's house. Went waterskiing with some friends, actually did well (I thought), stood up for a long time. Then we went to a family get together and went bowling too. So it was a good weekend overall.
So there are way too many reality shows on TV. I am not the first one to say this, I know, but I just think they are retarded. There is a new one that is selecting the cast for the sitcom "The Partridge Family," an old sitcom being re-made. It looked like a shitty show when it was first made and I doubt it could be a helluva lot better now. And the reality show was OK during the first episode, but the second one was dumb as hell. Lame. Oh well. And the Fear Factor show. Oh lord. They must recruit some of the dumbest and the most spastic people for that show. And the things that they have them do......some of them are so damn unbelievably easy. Swim to a buoy and then pull a lever? How the hell is that hard at all? The only reality show with any possibilities in my book is the "Surreal Life." It's not even trying to hide the fact that it is a damn TV show and not a life-or-death matter. And the people on there are just getting made fun of by people across the nation.
I did a load of laundry today......and I ended up wasting $1.50 on drying. My clothes got lukewarm and mildly dry, but right now my room (the walls and the overhang) is covered in clothes on hangers. Looks like a damn white trash dump in here. I feel trashy and I feel like I have been separated from my beat-up trailer for too long in here.
There may just be a storm a-brewing as we speak. Yay. I hope it pours tonight. That would be awesome.....I like falling asleep to the pitter-pattering of the rain.
The Good Times:
When our relationship is good, or even just ordinary, I feel great. And I hope she feels the same way I do. I cannot even begin to describe the way I feel inside sometimes. The best start to describing it would be floating, soaring, ethereal, surreal, like something this good should not be happening to me. I have more self-confidence, I am happier, I am more friendly, and I sometimes just feel like I am king of the world. There have been times in the last ten months when I cried from happiness. I admit that. There have been times when I thought something inside me was going to erupt or explode because of the feelings I had. It was like a constant adrenaline rush.
The Bad Times:
I don't understand these. Everything changes in the blink of an eye. One minute, you are happy and carefree. The next, you are distraught and troubled. How does this happen? Why? Why can't I just be carefree all the time? I know, you might say that life has to have some worries and such, but I don't care. I don't want them.
I don't understand some things. I don't understand how I can care about a person so much one second, then be totally unfeeling the next. Take tonight for example. I was having an OK time just hanging out with Katie, but after something she said and I said, it turned ugly. I don't know how it happened really, but I just know that we ended up mad at one another. For no reason. I think I said something like "I don't like not knowing what is going on in a relationship" but she seems OK with that kind of thing. And that created some invisible rift between us. I don't know what to do anymore. Things like this happen every now and then. The little disagreements just make me numb. I don't get it. Even if it's a small one, I feel numb afterwards. And then I get scared about her, about us, about myself. Like I am now. I am scared about tomorrow, I amn scared about other guys, I am scared of losing her. I care too damn much. And that scares me too. How much I can care one second, then it totally vanishes another.
What I Want:
I want this relationship to work out more than I want anything in the world. I really do. I don't know if she believes me on this or not, but I have never been more sure of anything in my life as I am of this. I don't give a shit what I have to do to make this work. I would even give up my pharmacy dream for her. I really would. I would throw that away for a chance with her. But right now, I am just flat out scared. It feels like I have been walking on eggshells lately and I am scared that the eggshells have broken.
I am sorry that I hurt you. I did not intend to make you cry. Please do not think I am a jerk and that I did it on purpose. I was not and am not trying to guilt trip you. I feel like an ass and I just wanted you to know that. I hate how small, inconsequential things get so blown out of proportion (by both of us). I hate how we feel like we have to walk on eggshells to not hurt one another. Please hold no feelings back. Please. I care too much to be shielded from it. I am sorry if I sounded like I was yelling. I really wasn't. Honestly. I truly was not yelling. Sorry if it seems like I kicked you out of my room too. I didn't mean it that way. It just came off badly. If everything is OK to you, you can ignore my ramblings here. If you are still mad at me, please talk to me. Please let me know what you're feeling. Please. I am not pleading, I am just asking you.